When you bring home a baby from the hospital they tell mothers to be sure and sleep when the baby is sleeping. I always found that to be very silly advice. I understand why they give it, and I understand that the nurses who say such things are trying to remind us as mothers that we need to take the time to care for ourselves. To be honest, it isn't really possible.
I always wondered when I heard that advice, "If I sleep when the baby sleeps how is everything supposed to get done?" The typical answer was that it wasn't supposed to all get done when the baby is small. I can accept that answer on one level, but on another level I don't see how a family can live when the meals aren't being prepared, the laundry is piling up and the housework isn't being done. Some might answer that the husband is supposed to carry those responsibilities or others suggest that the grandmother can come in and carry those responsibilities for a time.
Yes, outside help is very important and very necessary, but that doesn't last. Once the grandmother leaves, and the husband goes back to work the baby is usually about 2 weeks old. From my experience that is when the baby has reached a very cranky period. So now mom is home alone with baby trying to figure out how to fend for herself and the newborn.
When I first brough home my youngest I really struggled. She wouldn't sleep. She cried a LOT. And I was working part time nights at that time. Life was hard. I tried talking with women in my life, mothers whose children were now older. I tried to express my frustration, my depression, my struggles and I had one or two who would listen. I had my mom who would often come over and help. She would come in and watch the baby and even drop whatever she was doing to come to my home and help me. From others I got a different type of answer. Some who kept telling me, "Enjoy this time it goes by so fast."
WHAT! Enjoy that I am so sleep deprived I can't see straight. Enjoy the fact I am losing my hearing because the baby won't stop screaming! ENJOY THAT?! HOW???!!!
Now that I am a little bit farther away from that very hard time as a parent, I can understand a little why I was given that advice, but I think there are times when we give advice selfishly. We think of our own feelings and believe that our regrets, our personal memories are the same as everyone elses. They aren't. Just because I had pregnancies that were generally hard and miserable does NOT mean that everyone will had a hard pregnancy. Therefore I should NOT tell a pregnant woman, "Wow, You must be SO tired, I know my pregnancies were awful and miserable." Our experiences are not other people's experiences. Maybe we should stop giving advice and start listening?
In stead of telling a new mother "Aww honey, it will be gone before you know it, it can't be as bad as all that. You will miss these days." Perhaps we should tell her, "Wow, That was a hard night you had last night. Here are a few things I did when I was so tired I coudn't see straight." Or maybe, "Oh WOW. That happened last night! How did you manage it? Can I help?" And maybe all that mother needs is someone to listen. Someone who will agree with her that her life is hard right now, and there may not be anything to do to make the hard things go away aside from waiting them out. Yes the children will grow up, and you can say that one day she will be able to see a better side of this later, but maybe it is better to just buy that mom a coffee and pray with her.
The next time you have a new mother come and share with you how hard life is with that new baby. Remember how hard it was for you as a new mom. Don't necessarily tell her all those horror stories. She doesn't need to know all that, but remember and listen to her heart. We need to learn to listen to one another, really listen.
Being a parent is hard. I hope we can learn to come alongside a struggling mom and enable her.
I always wondered when I heard that advice, "If I sleep when the baby sleeps how is everything supposed to get done?" The typical answer was that it wasn't supposed to all get done when the baby is small. I can accept that answer on one level, but on another level I don't see how a family can live when the meals aren't being prepared, the laundry is piling up and the housework isn't being done. Some might answer that the husband is supposed to carry those responsibilities or others suggest that the grandmother can come in and carry those responsibilities for a time.
Yes, outside help is very important and very necessary, but that doesn't last. Once the grandmother leaves, and the husband goes back to work the baby is usually about 2 weeks old. From my experience that is when the baby has reached a very cranky period. So now mom is home alone with baby trying to figure out how to fend for herself and the newborn.
When I first brough home my youngest I really struggled. She wouldn't sleep. She cried a LOT. And I was working part time nights at that time. Life was hard. I tried talking with women in my life, mothers whose children were now older. I tried to express my frustration, my depression, my struggles and I had one or two who would listen. I had my mom who would often come over and help. She would come in and watch the baby and even drop whatever she was doing to come to my home and help me. From others I got a different type of answer. Some who kept telling me, "Enjoy this time it goes by so fast."
WHAT! Enjoy that I am so sleep deprived I can't see straight. Enjoy the fact I am losing my hearing because the baby won't stop screaming! ENJOY THAT?! HOW???!!!
Now that I am a little bit farther away from that very hard time as a parent, I can understand a little why I was given that advice, but I think there are times when we give advice selfishly. We think of our own feelings and believe that our regrets, our personal memories are the same as everyone elses. They aren't. Just because I had pregnancies that were generally hard and miserable does NOT mean that everyone will had a hard pregnancy. Therefore I should NOT tell a pregnant woman, "Wow, You must be SO tired, I know my pregnancies were awful and miserable." Our experiences are not other people's experiences. Maybe we should stop giving advice and start listening?
In stead of telling a new mother "Aww honey, it will be gone before you know it, it can't be as bad as all that. You will miss these days." Perhaps we should tell her, "Wow, That was a hard night you had last night. Here are a few things I did when I was so tired I coudn't see straight." Or maybe, "Oh WOW. That happened last night! How did you manage it? Can I help?" And maybe all that mother needs is someone to listen. Someone who will agree with her that her life is hard right now, and there may not be anything to do to make the hard things go away aside from waiting them out. Yes the children will grow up, and you can say that one day she will be able to see a better side of this later, but maybe it is better to just buy that mom a coffee and pray with her.
The next time you have a new mother come and share with you how hard life is with that new baby. Remember how hard it was for you as a new mom. Don't necessarily tell her all those horror stories. She doesn't need to know all that, but remember and listen to her heart. We need to learn to listen to one another, really listen.
Being a parent is hard. I hope we can learn to come alongside a struggling mom and enable her.